Chris (imrield) wrote,
Chris
imrield

Tuesday Night Fight!!!!!

All right, so as discussed previously my Canadian election coverage was subpar. It was unfortunate, but so it goes. Fortunately life offers up chances at redemption, and here we are with the USA's long-awaited presentation of Futility '08. YES WE CAN.

FIVE PRESSING QUESTIONS FOR TONIGHT:

1) IS BARACK OBAMA BLACK JESUS?

I have to admit, I am worried this question might be moot. It all goes back to a few Christmases ago when I was shopping downtown after being up all night. I was dead tired, dizzy, afraid. I actually recounted that day on this very livejournal, although I'm too lazy to provide a link. One detail I left out was at one point outside the Eaton Centre I was accosted by this black dude who was shoving some paper in my hand and hitting me up for money. I was too cowardly and irritable to fight him over this so I gave him ten bucks and had some cheap 9 or 10 page printout in my hand with a number of "information pages" on black people. One page was delightfully titled "FACTS". Among the FACTS presented was this: "Jesus was a blackman[sic]". This left me wondering, was Actual Jesus already Black Jesus? Or was that not a typo, was Jesus a blackman? What did this mean? If there's already been a Black Jesus can Obama be Black Jesus too? I submit that he cannot. Therefore I think we've already answered this first question. Barack Obama is not Black Jesus.

2) WHY ARE PEOPLE NAMED TUCKER ASSHOLES?

I know of exactly three Tuckers in this world. The first is Tucker Max, an internet celebrity of particular fame among frat boys and other young men in the age 18-30ish demographic. He is notorious for his drinking, womanizing, and crazy stories which, depending on your personality, you might find hilarious or disgusting.

Second is Tucker Carlson, who is of the more pompous-I-want-to-punch-you-in-the-face brand of asshole. Not being a viewer of Fox news or whatever the hell he does I don't really know what's up with him. Really I only think about him because of the time he got destroyed by Jon Stewart on Crossfire in one of the Five Greatest Moments of Television. None the less, he's a Tucker, and he's an asshole.

Third, this Tucker Bounds fellow who speaks for the McCain campaign or something. I see this guy quoted all the time by CNN, usually with some snide remark or reply to something Obama has said or done, and I think he's a healthy old-timey entitled white person asshole. He seems like he's got that old-school aw-shucks bluster to him, and if McCain loses tonight we'll have to observe this guy closely in the hopes of unlocking the secret of why not all assholes are Tuckers, but all Tuckers are assholes.

3) WHO THE FUCK PUT OHIO, FLORIDA, AND PENNSYLVANIA IN CHARGE?

Seriously, I hate these bullshit states. Every election it's Pennsylvania this and Ohio that and oh no look Florida is fucking up it's voter registration again. If a state fucks up an election it should have to sit the next few out. As for Ohio, nothing this boring should be this important.

4) IF JOHN MCCAIN WINS AND DIES DURING HIS ACCEPTANCE SPEECH CAN WE HAVE A DO-OVER?

I do not want Peggy Hill running our enormous neighbour to the south. It boggles my mind Sarah Palin could be a (literal) heartbeat away from the presidency. I just... Ugh. Argh. No. I refuse to believe someone this stupid can be allowed to run the show. Oh wait...

And finally...

5) WHO IS GOING TO ACTUALLY WIN?

I can tell you one thing - whatever happens, you lose bitch.
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